“SUBWORLD® Restaurant Employee Handbook”
Fiction Fridays #2
Welcome to the second installment of Fiction Fridays, where I post a new short story each week. You can read the announcement to learn more or check out the story archive. Otherwise, read on...
First, I’d like to thank everyone for the feedback on my detective fiction in FF#1; this series started with a bang (no pun intended). This week, I switched gears to make room for some good, old-fashioned ribbing, which was not inspired by any eating establishment in particular.
Stats: 245 words. Estimated reading time: 1 minute, 13 seconds.
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“SUBWORLD® Restaurant Employee Handbook”
Welcome to the team of distinguished SUBWORLD® Sandwich Artisans®TM. You are about to embark on the wonderful and exciting journey of assembly-line production that has absolutely nothing to do with art, its various forms, or affiliate theories. Any employee with a philosophical, ideological, or spiritual disagreement with the so-called Sandwich Artisan®TM title, you are hereby fired.
Now repeat after me: “Eat freshly.” Good. As a Sandwich Artisan®TM you must keep those two words in mind at all times. It’s important to remember that the ingredients we serve our customers are always fresh—even if said meats and cheeses are discolored, slimy, and/or crispy. We call that character. If any employee speaks, thinks, or emotes in a manner unbefitting of SUBWORLD®’s freshness, you are hereby fired.
Now comes the wonderful time that you Sandwich Artisans®TM get to meet your new best friend: lettuce. Your task is to shred as many heads of your new best friend as possible. Accordingly, you are required to fill each sandwich with the maximum amount of lettuce to disguise the economical servings of fresh meats and cheeses on each of your masterpieces. If a customer complains there is too much lettuce, say their serving is in accordance with the recommended low-carb diet. After all, Jerold didn’t get skinny by eating too little lettuce, now did he?
Any employee with any intelligence who realizes that a no-carb diet is actually unhealthy, go work at Burger King®.