“The Official 12-Step Program for Male Hand Washing”
Fiction Fridays #5
Welcome to the fifth installment of Fiction Fridays, where I post a new short story each week. You can read the announcement to learn more or check out the story archive. Otherwise, read on...
This week’s story addresses a serious concern in our society: the hand-washing habits of adult males, which was partially inspired by an absurdity I saw in a restroom.
Stats: 250 words. Estimated reading time: 1 minute, 15 seconds.
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“The Official 12-Step Program for Male Hand Washing”
A Curriculum in Response to an Overwhelming Deficiency and Possible Misunderstanding Regarding the Processes and Benefits of Manual Hygiene
1.
Wet hands and apply soap. Yes, soap.
2.
Scrub hands and rinse.
3.
Dry hands thoroughly using paper or cotton towels.
3a.
If you scoffed at steps 1-3, continue reading.
4.
Your pants are not a substitute for a towel. The only acceptable alternatives are air- powered hand dryers (i.e., those metal boxes attached to the wall). Indeed, they serve a purpose.
5.
Washing your hands is a necessary adjunct to clean and civilized living. If you bypass the sink, know that your fellow restroom patrons are judging you.
6.
You’re not fooling anybody by running the faucet without putting your hands in the water. The three-second time frame is also a dead giveaway.
7.
Water doesn’t kill germs. Soap is necessary. See Step 1.
8.
What’s the first thing you touch after you finish your business? Belt buckles, too, need to be scrubbed occasionally on laundry day.
9.
If your buckle needs periodic cleaning, do you really want to touch your food, mouth, eyes, girlfriend, etc. without completing steps 1-3?
10.
We understand you’re in a rush. Thirteen and a half seconds will not destroy your schedule.
11.
Hand washing is not emasculating. You are not alone. You are not beyond hope. In fact, proper hand washing technique is an outward sign of your evolution and security with your masculinity. If this weren’t enough motivation, there are other benefits. See step 12.
12.
Women appreciate it. Otherwise, they won’t put up with it.